On a good note, I do have a pretty good life. I have a decent job after college, great family, and the best fiancee that anyone could have or ever dream of. Only problem, I tend to mess things up. She has given me so many chances at having the best relationship possible but here I come messing up the family picture. I don't know why I do the stupid crap that I do. I mean, I am totally committed to her and really do want this to work that it's making me act so tense and nervous when we start to talk about issues. Maybe just a flop when under pressure or just start to think so much that I want to say all the right things when in fact it should all be spoken from my heart. I promise that it is genuine but find it so so difficult for me to express those feelings that I have deep down in my heart. I want to be the best I can for my fiancee because all we are going to have is each other later in the future. With kids, a house and bills to pay, we better for damn sure have a plan because there is literally no turning back from that.
I will need to be a man about decisions in my life and will need to stop acting so childish and take everything more serious. I know I am capable of big things I just stop myself from being great, I convince myself that I can't do everything that I want and then it comes to a halt. I start something but in the end, I never finish what I should. I was truly humbled last night, the truth of the type of person I am was really displayed. I got a good look at myself from outside, looking in. It is not such a pretty sight... I look really broken, not ready and just a total mess. It must be a pain in the neck to be with someone like me. I don't give enough credit to the person that I am with and with my selfish personality and who cares attitude, it definitely breaks down the other person in my relationship. I always wish and say I want to be the best man and be one to be remembered as a great guy who lived a wonderful life and be recognized and missed. I think to myself, who is going to miss me, what great deeds have I done for anyone but myself. I am selfish and self centered, I react so negative to comments from my parents and always act like i'm right and they are wrong. Such a dark and lonely person resides in that body of mine and it shows. Why can't I be happy for anyone other than myself... What has made me into this poor excuse of a person they call Jay. I can't even hold a decent conversation with someone without thinking that when is this conversation done? bad bad, it's not how I want to be as a person... I just want to be clear minded and be someone everyone can say good things about.
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