-constantly on my mind 2-

On a good note, I do have a pretty good life.  I have a decent job after college, great family, and the best fiancee that anyone could have or ever dream of.  Only problem, I tend to mess things up.  She has given me so many chances at having the best relationship possible but here I come messing up the family picture.  I don't know why I do the stupid crap that I do.  I mean, I am totally committed to her and really do want this to work that it's making me act so tense and nervous when we start to talk about issues.  Maybe just a flop when under pressure or just start to think so much that I want to say all the right things when in fact it should all be spoken from my heart.  I promise that it is genuine but find it so so difficult for me to express those feelings that I have deep down in my heart.  I want to be the best I can for my fiancee because all we are going to have is each other later in the future.  With kids, a house and bills to pay, we better for damn sure have a plan because there is literally no turning back from that.

I will need to be a man about decisions in my life and will need to stop acting so childish and take everything more serious.  I know I am capable of big things I just stop myself from being great, I convince myself that I can't do everything that I want and then it comes to a halt.  I start something but in the end, I never finish what I should.  I was truly humbled last night, the truth of the type of person I am was really displayed.  I got a good look at myself from outside, looking in.  It is not such a pretty sight... I look really broken, not ready and just a total mess.  It must be a pain in the neck to be with someone like me.  I don't give enough credit to the person that I am with and with my selfish personality and who cares attitude, it definitely breaks down the other person in my relationship.  I always wish and say I want to be the best man and be one to be remembered as a great guy who lived a wonderful life and be recognized and missed.  I think to myself, who is going to miss me, what great deeds have I done for anyone but myself.  I am selfish and self centered, I react so negative to comments from my parents and always act like i'm right and they are wrong.  Such a dark and lonely person resides in that body of mine and it shows.  Why can't I be happy for anyone other than myself... What has made me into this poor excuse of a person they call Jay.  I can't even hold a decent conversation with someone without thinking that when is this conversation done?  bad bad, it's not how I want to be as a person... I just want to be clear minded and be someone everyone can say good things about.

-constantly on my mind-

There is just so much going on in this mind of mine and its both bad and somewhat good.  A place to just vent and express how I feel since it is so difficult for me to express in words and in person... I hate the fact that I stutter when I really want my feelings expressed.  I don't know why my mind thinks this way, sometimes I feel so uneducated that I can't properly speak my mind and what it all means in there.  I do need some help and am willing to seek that once I find the right resources.  I also notice I may be anti social or something because its hard for me to keep a constant communication on facebook and my lack of conversation makes me feel that I am not connected to this world.  Without that, I try to compensate and do other activities like read my book, watch tv, work out, watch netflix but in my mind I know I am still disconnected from the world because I can't keep up with conversations and topics constantly populating facebook.

I can't think straight these and inside I stress out so much I just want to cry.  I feel so stupid because I haven't done anything in my life to show self worth.  Each year passes by and I look back and notice that I haven't accomplished anything huge as far as career wise.  Why do I have to be the shy person that I am that I can't even keep a solid mind towards a particular goal, not being able to express myself fully on what's going on my mind without thinking that I am being judged on how I speak and present myself.  I need a humbling experience to waken these senses and get me off the whole mindset of no you can't do anything...

Why am I the person that I am?  Why do I control this individual on earth and what is Gods purpose for me?  I think a lot about the strangest things and question why I have the flaws and particular high points about me.  Sometimes I feel like an underachiever and that life doesn't care who the hell I am and is just slipping away.  I know there is a lot of positives in my life but for some reason, I focus many of the negative things about me and let it affect my life and its entirety.  I admit, I do need help but why me... why is this thing called life so hard for me to be one in society that can be smarter than the next guy, be good and be recognized for it, be tall, be liked and not looked down on because I am a minority, be light skinned, look like just a kid and not be highly looked upon.  Everyone has their battles and I am just a weak link in society for not doing my part in being a better more loved person

~Time waits for nobody~

So many things to learn in this life, so many accomplishments left unaccomplished, so many people to satisfy, so many places where you could be right now, many people to meet and landmarks to visit.  With life being short, and time ticking away, we need to do start considering a list of things to start doing!  Can't be lazy, can't be putting things off, can't be ignoring that life is moving even if you like it or not.  Time wait's for nobody so get with the current and plan something... No matter what you do, don't ever call it boring, or waste of time... it's something productive to somebody and the memories is what will make it worth while.  Remember, after this life,  memories are the only things we will take with us so get lost in it and start creating some!

-Inspirational-

As the coming of mid year rolls around in a few days, it's time to look back and reflect on what we have accomplished.  For most of us, and for myself... this year is truly flying by and quick!  I'll give you a quick example of one particular moment that made this such a fast year.  Last year on June 4, 2010 I asked Vien, now my Fiancee to be my girlfriend. I provided a promise ring to represent my unity and infinite love to her, then proposed to her in Laguna Beach on November 6, 2010 and now planning for an exciting wedding coming this October 8, 2011.  Its crazy to think that the two of us are going to be married people, husband and wife then who know's whats going to happen in 2012... furthering our education, going on trips, and perhaps kids??

These years just seem to fly by so fast because I am with the one I love and the fun we have when we spend it together.  When I look back in my life, I know I had to learn a lot about relationships and now that timing and fate has permitted me to meet my soul mate, I can truly enjoy life to the fullest.  I constantly look forward to what is going to happen in life for us, and the journey that we will venture into together.  But all we know and care about is that we love each other and we have great family who love and get a long with each other, and that love that we are so cute together.